in one thousand words or less:

Dear Family, Friends, and Loyal Investors,

You are reading the second annual Xmakuh letter. To those of you who are new to the ritual of the Xmakuh letter, welcome. Chris-ma-kuh was formed from melting down Santa Claus, aka “Father Christmas,” aka “Old Saint Nick,” aka “Kris Kringle–”such an unbelievable alias!–and packaging him into gelt (chocolate gold coins). You can read more about the origin of the holiday here.

For those of you who received the first letter and didn’t bother to read it, your computer has now been infected with the Computer Papilloma Virus (CPV) and will die shortly. (Siblings, you are exempt from this virus because I know none of you would ever ignore something I wrote.)

While most rational people usually wait until after Thanksgiving to begin preparing for Christmas, recent years have seen an onslaught of holiday paraphernalia several months before the actual holiday. I’m talking about the M&Ms I saw in CVS a couple weeks ago–before it was even HALLOWEEN. What the hell is that all about?

I’ll tell you what it’s about: The Economy.

Since we kicked off last year’s Xmakuh letter by establishing the origin of Xmakuh, we will continue in the same pattern and describe the origin of the Economy.

[Family: You can skip this email, but there will be a pop quiz on Thanksgiving that will determine whether or not you get a present this year.]

Contrary to popular opinion, the Asians, responsible for all things smart, did not come up with the Economy. The Economy began in ancient times, about 2500 BCE, with the Babylonians: they, along with “their neighboring city states later developed the earliest system of economics as we think of, in terms of rules/laws on debt… legal contracts and law codes relating to business practices, and private property” (Wiki 14). Basically, if you borrowed somebody’s cow and used it for milk, you could replace what the other person lost (the milk) by trading him with something like a bale of barley, or a small child.

Initially, the term “Economy” applied to the value of goods–like how much your cow was worth–and its value was established via trading.

Legend says that Socrates had a few too many barrels of wine one day and gathered a bunch of his boy toys around in Ancient Greece. Socrates was like, “Look, boys, something needs to be done. There are too many of you available to me, and it’s starting to cause a problem: I am not desiring you as much.” In explaining the dilemma to the attractive yet vapid kept boys, Socrates realized this was an allegory for a system he’d been observing for a while: the Economy (colorfully paraphrased from Plato’s Republic).

“If I like a guy and go after him, I am considered a consumer.” (Though a Greek word, “pedophilia” was not considered abnormal at the time of the Ancient Greeks). “The less available a particular good is, the more competitive the pursuit. However, if all of you boys make yourselves available to me, I won’t have to try as hard to seduce you.” From there, the phrase “Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free” was coined. The word “cow” is substituted in order to ensure appropriateness of the moral.

So, after Ancient Babylon, two hundred thousand years or so later in 1780, the Industrial Revolution reared its ugly head in Europe. All you need to know from this is a bunch of mumbo-jumbo that I will just borrow from Wikipedia:

• Adam Smith (the first Economist) defined the elements of a national economy: products are offered at a natural price generated by the use of competition – supply and demand – and the division of labor.
• The United States of America became the place where millions of expatriates from all European countries were searching for free economic evolvement (read: immigration, Ellis Island).
• In Europe, wild capitalism started to replace the system of mercantilism and led to economic growth. This period is called the industrial revolution because the system of production and division of labor enabled the mass production of goods.

In 19th century Europe, communism was born out of the need to counteract capitalism.
What was happening there in the mid-to-late 1800s is similar to what is happening in America today: the divide between the rich and the poor was growing wider than ever. This led (albeit less directly than I’m suggesting) to the formation of various ideologies like Fascism and Nazism, which in turn caused World War II.

THEN. Fast forward a few decades, and you have 1981, the year that began the recession. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Wait a second, I’ve been paying attention to the news like a responsible citizen, and I’ve been hearing this ‘recession’ word a lot.”

What? You watch FOX news?

Ok, so maybe you haven’t been hearing about the recession. Anyway, it’s being predicted by liberals that it’s the end of the world, and conservatives are saying we’re perfectly fine, that China will never conquer us in terms of economic prowess.

So in order to determine the true state of the Economy, add the two sides together and subtract the load of shit. The result: the Economy is in the crapper right now, but it seems to do this every 25 years or so, so it’ll probably get better.

By now (or maybe earlier), you might have been wondering why I’m telling you about all this.

I care about the Economy. Why? Because it affects my severance package Xmakuh presents. AND YOURS TOO!

Friends: do you really want your parents to lose their jobs and not be able to buy you the new iPod this year?

Parents, aunts, uncles and older (and wiser) friends: do you really want your kids to lose their jobs and not be able to buy you the new iPod this year?

I don’t think so. Therefore, I have put together a comprehensive solution that will keep everyone happy.

By now, you should know that I am a concerned citizen ready to take on the issue of the fledgling Economy. You should feel confident taking the steps necessary to help me in this challenge. I propose that you transfer all of free cash to my Paypal account, and I will invest it in several small-cap companies. Over the next 10 years, your money will grow as the Economy recovers. By sending me your money now, you will take advantage of the low prices of these stocks and sit back as they increase over the next several years.
In order to participate in this plan, I will need the following:

–Your name;
–Mailing address;
–Telephone number;
–Checking account number;
–Paypal user information and password; and last, but not least:
–Your social security number.

I will keep this information TOP SECRET and will store it on my password-protected website. If you ever need to access the information, the password is “1234.”

Also, I want to warn you against others who are offering similar services around the holiday season. You may have heard recently of the woman who gave $400k to the deposed Prince of Nigeria. She was promised 20.5 million dollars in return for her help. I understand that 20.5 million is appealing, but $400k is quite a risk. Therefore, this plan only requires a down payment of $100k, and as an added incentive for you to invest with me, your $100k is invested WITHOUT a limitation of 20.5 million in returns. By investing with me, you can earn even more than that! (Depending on how much you choose to invest).

I hope to see you visit my website soon!

Yours until we file for bankruptcy,

Dick Fuld
CEO, Lehman Brothers
http://www.lehman.com/

PS: In case you didn’t get it, this is a JOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  We’re not really going bankrupt.